Railway gag

JOKES about the railway industry are not always easy to come by, and there’s one of my own that’s become a regular feature of my speeches in the past year or so. I used it again last night when I spoke at a Network Rail/Association of Train Operating Companies reception. It’s so well-worn and well-known by my audiences that I really can’t continue using it for much longer.

So here it is.

Since being appointed rail minister, I’ve “gone native”, as it were, and found myself doing something I would never have imagined doing before: buying railway magazines at W.H. Smith. But to avoid embarrassment, I also buy a copy of Playboy to put the rail magazine inside.


Any alternative gags gratefully received.



Filed under Department for Transport, Media, Whimsy

17 responses to “Railway gag

  1. richard

    Miliband saying that you can win the General Election. I haven’t laughed so hard in ages.

    Seriously, what planet is he living on?

  2. Wes Mantooth

    What do you call the last train from Waverley station to Lockerbie at 8.15 pm?

    Almost as pathetic as the 22.18 which arrives in Lockerbie at 06.50 the next morning. Ker-tish!

  3. Not sure where the joke is Tom.

    Is the Playboy to cover up the possibility of being considered a ‘rail enthusiast’ with all that implies in terms of social ineptness, lonely vigils on platform ends etc etc?

    Or to avoid being seen as having anything to do with the railway which could lead to you being lynched by irate travellers? Surely not after 11 years in power!

    There’s a better joke at your Department’s expense in the Captain’s latest monthly blog. Does the number 42 mean anything – other than the meaning of life, the universe and everything of course?

  4. Johnny Norfolk

    Tom. What can I say. You need to get out more. Have you been talking to Iain Dale he would like that joke

  5. You are a very brave man.

    I hope Kerry doesn’t read this post – making light of grumble-mags indeed!

    Have linked to this post – hopefully some industry chums can enrich your repertoire.

  6. Johnny Norfolk

    I am realy pleased for you Tom that at this time you can find room for a joke or two. i am pleased you are so well placed to weather the storm. I for one am very worried on what Labour has brought upon us with the ammount you are going to borrow. What spending are you going to cut.

  7. Just out of interest, when you tell that joke, is it to predominantly male audiences?

  8. I feel a bit sorry for you sometimes, Tom, as you try to inject some humour and nobody wants to play ball.

    People are angry about a thousand issues (not just the credit crunch/rising prices as the leadership tries to maintain) and we want you to know it.

    As for jokes – there must be a thousand British Rail jokes you could recycle?

    Actually, they wouldn’t go down too well.

    I’m very, very angry with New Labour, but nevertheless, here’s a couple of old railway jokes I like:

    Q. Why is the track gauge 4′ 8 1/2″?

    A. Because it’s the mean distance between the neck and ankles of damsels in distress.

    Q. Why can’t a steam locomotive sit down?

    A. Because it has a tender behind.

  9. Andrew F

    Earlier, there was a conspicuous (though small) smiley face on the top right of the homepage. Why was it there? And, more importantly, where did it go? It was cute.

    Um, the joke is awful – I’ll assume you know that.

  10. James

    Three Scottish Labour MPs and Three SNP MPs catch a train for Westminster. The Lab mps each purchase a ticket but notice the Nats only purchase one between them. As the train leaves the station the Nats bundle into one toilet. The conductor comes round shouting ‘tickets, please’. A Nats hand appears from behind the toilet door and the conductor takes the ticket and moves along.
    The Lab mps, ever conscience of keeping their expenses down, decide to have some of that on the return trip and purchase one ticket between them, but are surprised when the Nats don’t bother to purchase any.’How are you planning to get away with that’ ask the Lab mps. ‘Just watch us’ reply the Nats.
    The Lab mps pile into one toilet and the Nats into another.
    A few minutes into the journey and one of the Nats leaves the toilet and goes upto the one the Lab mps are in. ‘Tickets, please’ he shouts………..

  11. I used to make a similar joke about the fact that the politics section in Ottakars was right next to the erotica.

    I put it that this was so anyone caught perusing the politics section could leap to the erotica to avoid any embarrassment.

    Ah, there’s nothing like a multi-adjustable joke.

    I don’t know so much about railway jokes, but do you not find it uneasy debating the issue with Lord Thurso given that he bears an uncanny resemblance to the silent movie villain who used to tie young maidens to the tracks?

  12. grumpy old man

    Tom, from this post it’s quite clear that you are a rarity- a socialist who did not have his sense of humour removed at birth.

  13. “…. a socialist who did not have his sense of humour removed at birth….”

    It’s not a sense of humour – it’s hysteria. Who can blame you young Tom?

  14. Kevin Dempsey

    I’ve got a better joke for you Tom…what do you call todays Labour MPs at the next general election?


    Yes – Nu Labour will be dead in water floating belly up at the next election. I, and a lot of my friends, will be voting SNP – just as we will at the Glenrothes by-election. At least Alex Samond gives the *impression* that he cares…Nu Labour doesnt give a sh*t about anyone.

  15. Mo Daniels

    I think you need to upgrade your anti-virus software, as the ‘eternally angry saddo’ filter is not working. Why can’t some of your readers take your comments as they are intended and not vandalise your blog with their negative, exaggerated, dismal and gloomy grandstands?

    Anyway, what do you give a railway station master for Christmas?

    Platform shoes…..crap, I know, but better than complaining about how the 1225 to Glasgow Central was 4 minutes late this morning and that it’s all your bleeding fault. Oh aye and it would have been on time if Scotland were independent (cont P94.)

  16. You could always adapt the Goodness Gracious Me gag about Superman being Indian because he could ran faster then a speeding train and there’s only one country where you can run run faster then the trains.

    Not that this applies to India now, and their railways are actually turning a profit and providing a reliable service. Perhaps something this country could emulate rather than having trains missing out stations in order to enhance their statistics. Oh, and the officials don’t incessantly make announcements either.

  17. mattwardman

    >Earlier, there was a conspicuous (though small) smiley face on the top right of the homepage. Why was it there? And, more importantly, where did it go? It was cute.

    Because WordPress makes people happy.

    er … unless there is a 10 in the House Numbers.

    Follow on twitter at twitter.com/10downingstreet .

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