‘David’ feels our pain – live as it happens

I’VE DECIDED to try my hand at writing an open thread à la Iain Dale, on the Great Leader’s speech as it happens. Any comments, as always, gratefully received…

2.35: Louise Bagshaw’s doing the introduction. Isn’t she a fiction writer? Oh, right, I get it. And she’s getting a lot of applause by suggesting a return to Thatcherism. Oh, and she’s not introducing ‘David’, but another PPC. Only about 620 more to go before he comes on, then…

2.41: We’re at the candidate for Clwyd South now. “Thanks for coming to see me.” Good gag.

2.44: Oh, excellent! Davina Rankin’s on – she’s up against me next time!

2.46: Another one? Oh, come on! I was told 2.30…

2.49: William “Interesting” Roache is in the audience. Why didn’t he say something?

2.49: The whole Shadow cabinet? Are they all going to speak?

2.51: What, are they just playing for time now? Is DC stuck on a bus somewhere or something?

2.54: I feel a bit out of touch. Is the whole Shadow Cabinet doing community service or something?

2.55: It’s Dr Fox. Still hasn’t got over being dropped from The X-Factor, I see. Nice tribute to our armed forces, though. Good line about role models.

2.56: Another video. We need more of this kind of thing – pride in our armed forces, rather than banning them from recruiting in schools.

3.00: At last, here he is. Was that a bus pass I saw him slipping back into his pocket? Nice tie – good start.

3.01: Straight into the financial situation with a call for bipartisanship. He’s taking credit for the plan to raise savings guarantee to £50,000. That little piece of bipartisanship must have lasted nearly eight seconds.

3.03: “Decisions in past ten years led us to this point.” So, back to partisan politics, then? Fair enough.

3.05: Good line on Afghanistan.

3.06: He’s using notes. Good. Always thought that was a distracting gimmick.

3.07: Returning soldiers being refused services? That happened once and he received an apology. Come off it, Dave. Poor.

3.09: Conservative values. “Many people think Conservative values are just about freedom.” Er, no we don’t Dave. At least he’s distancing himself from the libertarian weirdos.

3.12: A bit of a pause there when he expected applause and it didn’t come quickly enough. Oh, here comes his “novice” defence…

3.13: Defending the Union – loud applause. Okay, I’m glad about that. I’m guessing there’s a “but” coming up, though…

3.14: Apple pie and motherhood. Controversial and brave (sarcasm).

3.15: “We will need to do difficult and unpopular things”. Well, you’re a Tory, what else would you do?

3.16: The character and judgment line. “Broken society”, “change”. And there’s Maggie getting another namecheck and the loudest applause so far. Interesting…

3.18: Reasonably decent “balcony” joke at GB’s expense (he wrote grudgingly).

3.20: Attack on city slickers. GB responsible for world financial crisis, apparently.

3.21: Ah, here we go with the attacks on public spending. We were wrong to spend on health and education. Wonder if he’ll say how much less we should have spent?

3.22: No.

3.23: William “interesting” Roache looks bored.

3.26: Just had to answer the door for my Tesco delivery. Did I miss anything?

3.28 “Labour’s taxes are making it impossible for entrepreneurs.” OK, so a tax cut promise coming up, then? Well…?

3.29: Corporation tax to be cut by 3pc. Does GO know about this? Didn’t he say no tax cuts?

3.30: No to Heathrow’s third runway? There’s no way he actually believes that.

3.32: Seems to be claiming Labour doesn’t believe in society! There’s no way he actually believes that.

3.33: Attacking the “human rights” culture. And the bit about an officer not being allowed to pursue an armed criminal is just made up, Dave.

3.35: Attacking MPs’ expenses. This is pure dog whistle politics.

3.38: Where hospitals are closing it’s to take advantage of economies of scale, to improve service delivery. Under the Tories, when hospitals closed, it was because they didn’t have enough money. Get real, Dave.

3.40: Attacking the government’s record on MRSA. Unfortunately, we weren’t able, in Opposition, to attack his government’s record on MRSA. Mainly because they refused to keep records on it. Wonder why?

3.43: “We are now the party of the NHS.” We just won’t say how much less we would have spent on it had we been in government.

3.43: The broken society again. No mention yet of the deliberate creation of the underclass by the Tories in order to keep unemployment figures down. I’m sure it’s coming up.

3.47: State intervention grudgingly accepted.

3.48: He’s just promised to scrap something but I’m not sure what.

3.49: Supports flexible working. Good.

3.50: Here we go – if you’re thinking of divorcing because you can no longer stand the sight of your partner, don’t do anything hasty because Dave’s going to give you a tenner a month to stay together. Crack open that bubbly!

3.52: I’m getting hungry. Wonder if there are any snacks in that Tesco delivery?

3.53: I agree with him on the “all must have prizes” nonsense. Not sure what that means in terms of policy, though.

3.54: I didn’t know there was a Spelling Society, never mind a president of it. But of course, Dave’s right on this. And on the “F*** off” thing.

3.56: Dave’s lecturing us on the benefit culture his party initiated. Genius.

3.58: “We’ve made the Conservative Party the party of social justice.” No you haven’t, mate.

3.59: Carolyn’s just discovered that while I’ve been blogging, Reggie scoffed nearly a whole box of Cadbury’s chocolate fingers. I’m toast.

4.00: “You didn’t take international development seriously…” True.

4.01: If we don’t accept the Tories have changed, then that means we haven’t changed. Apparently. I honestly don’t know what that means.

4.02: Wonder what’s on the other channel?

4.03: The word “peroration” is flashing at the bottom of the screen.

4.04. Thank goodness that’s over. Not his best. Maybe he should have used an autocue?

Well, that was fun.



Filed under Blogging, Conservative Party, David Cameron, Whimsy

47 responses to “‘David’ feels our pain – live as it happens

  1. I am slightly concerned that a Government Minister and MP has time to do this.


  2. Okay, that one wasn’t particularly gratefully received.

  3. It doesn’t seem totally out of order for a government minister to listen to a speech by the opposition leader, especially at a time when said opp leader says he’s going to work with not against, and if the government minister is able to blog about it at the same time that seems like efficient mulit-tasking to me, and something to praise rather than criticize.

    Do I get a gold star for this comment, minister?

  4. At least Tom takes a great deal of time to invite feedback from the public, and publishes the responses, whether they are positive or negative. Something pretty unique on today’s politics, not matter which party you are from. Keep it up I say!

  5. Luke

    I’d be more worried if a government minister and MP didn’t make time to listen to the speech…

  6. Quentin

    I suppose as Iain is attending a funeral this afternoon we’ll have to make do with you Tom.
    Of course you will give a totally impartial view

  7. John

    To quote our Great Leader
    ‘It may be a bit messy, but it’ll be me’

  8. yozza

    “Of course you will give a totally impartial view”

    I hope not!

  9. I’ll bet a quid on DC going for ‘believe in free market system, not in free-for-all’ catch phrase again. It’s his kind of mouthful.

    Any takers?

  10. Forbes Aiken

    See your local opposition is getting her moment of fame.

  11. John

    He has ruled out another runway at Stanstead. Mind you, the way the economy is going there won’t be the funding available anyway.

  12. Mmm, I’d go easy on the ‘stuck on a bus’ stuff if i were you, given your recent record (not) getting to places by public transport.

  13. Brian Hall

    King Cameron feels our pain just like King Brown. Not really, its just the 300 year old vintage they are drinking start to do funny things to their insides.

    You should really focus on the issues that affect Scotland Tom, its getting awfully cold up here for you Labour lot. You might end up in the bargain bin with the Tories if you don’t pick up your act.

  14. John

    Careful Tom you’re beginning to enjoy the speech.

  15. yozza

    Is Cameron’s head normally this shiny? I think my telly needs a new tube.

  16. John

    Tom, Don’t think you can be watching the same speech as we are 🙂

  17. Zorro

    “3.21: Ah, here we go with the attacks on public spending. We were wrong to spend on health and education. Wonder if he’ll say how much less we should have spent?”

    He might not but I will – an absolute shedload less…

  18. John

    He goes to bed every night with an entrepreneur

    Does his wife know

  19. Forbes Aiken

    Was it not Thatcher who denied the existence of “society”

  20. Zorro

    Tom, to clarify – you’ve trebled spending on Education, but with what results? With typical socialist stupidity you’ve tried to create equality by bringing the brightest down to the level of the dumbest. You might not think it but we all know it. Standards have gone DOWN. Through the bloody floor. And all this spending on academies, what the hell difference does it make what the sodding school building looks like?

    I’ll concede it’s a slightly different story in the NHS, yes waiting lists have come down, but the waiting list to get on the waiting list has gone up. You’ve upped spending massively and results are /slightly/ better. Woop. Try getting value for money, considering it’s OUR money. If you can’t do that, don’t bother please.

  21. Zorro

    He’s pushing all the right buttons. Quangos. Taxes. Nanny state… Tom, you lot are going to be sooooo very badly stuffed at the next election, I can barely withold my glee until 2010… There will be so few Labour MPs left after 2010 you might be in with a chance of the leadership! 😉

  22. Forbes Aiken

    “I think we’ve been through a period where too many people have been given to understand that if they have a problem, it’s the government’s job to cope with it. ‘I have a problem, I’ll get a grant.’ ‘I’m homeless, the government must house me.’ They’re casting their problem on society. And, you know, there is no such thing as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families. And no government can do anything except through people, and people must look to themselves first. It’s our duty to look after ourselves and then, also to look after our neighbour. People have got the entitlements too much in mind, without the obligations. There’s no such thing as entitlement, unless someone has first met an obligation.”

    Prime minister Margaret Thatcher, talking to Women’s Own magazine, October 31 1987

  23. John

    Scrap Outreach workers?

  24. Zorro

    “3.50: Here we go – if you’re thinking of divorcing because you can no longer stand the sight of your partner, don’t do anything hasty because Dave’s going to give you a tenner a month to stay together. Crack open that bubbly!”

    God you’re getting sad Tom. Do you think it’s better for govt to encourage couples to stay together or to encourage them to split up as you do with your skewed benefit system??? FFS.

  25. Zorro

    Dumbing Down, prizes for all… Bang on the money. Any defence Tom?

  26. Zorro

    “3.56: Dave’s lecturing us on the benefit culture his party initiated. Genius.”

    Don’t you think after 11 years of being in power you should take responsibility for the state of the country rather than continuing to try to blame Thatcher/Major???

  27. Zorro

    Tom, Reggie has great taste. I tend to go through a whole box in one go as well! 😉

  28. YMT

    All in all on balance a decent speech, and frankly.. better than Gordons….

  29. John

    He’s practically making love to his Mrs on stage. At least GB was more restrained

  30. yozza

    good blogging Tom, how long will the applause auto cue last?

  31. John

    Nice commentary Tom.
    Ever thought about writing ‘Little Britain’ scripts?
    Afterall you did help to create it. 🙂

  32. I’m no’ reading all of that.

  33. “4.02: Wonder what’s on the other channel?”

    Aah, the good old days of only having BBC and ITV and when the New Labour project was but a mustard seed in the hearts of a few sadistic madmen.

    Totally agree with my rt. hon. friend Zorro re. marriage.

  34. Steve

    Great work Tom

  35. James

    That was as good as Iains, any day.
    Thanks Tom

  36. Madasafish

    This was a great idea and much welcomed.

    Perhaps you would like to do the same to a Gordon Brown speech…


  37. I liked the bit when he said that he had two words for ‘them’ too: “You’re fired!”

    That’s 3 words.

  38. Tom

    That was highly impressive. How do you listen, react and type at the same time?

  39. Roger – basically the key is completely ignoring the children (see 3.59).

  40. ani

    Didn’t I hear the word ‘change’ repeated endlessly?
    Change, change, change.
    changes, changes, changes.
    Guess who said that first, a few years ago?
    His hero. Tony Blair.

    On Utube – a duet.

    And wasn’t it a little unfortunate to be promoting change over experience with the likes of Pauline Neville-Jones and William Hague sat within such close range.

  41. Brian

    Ah Tom, Tom, Tom, as they say ‘If ye canny afford weans ye shouldney be havin em!’

  42. Johnny Norfolk

    There is now growing support for Cameron. My old friends in Essex are delighted that they will not allow the Stansted 2nd runway. He hit the right tone and was clear about the goals.

    The Tory party is needed to guide the country and stop wasting money as Labour are unwilling to do.

  43. Johnny Norfolk

    Was going to reply further but I must empty my Waitrose delivery, before the dog trys to eat the Foie Gras.

  44. Martin Cullip

    Firstly, Tom, I listened on the radio at work but your run-down was a great read and fair even from a committed Labour point-of-view. Congrats. 🙂

    I liked most of the speech.

    “Labour’s taxes are making it impossible for entrepreneurs.”

    He is partially right there. It’s not just the taxes but the fact that we now have to pay tax a year in advance on earnings we haven’t yet earned which really pees me off (a Labour initiative IIRC). I’ve had charmless and ignorant people ring me up at my office stating that they are outside my door waiting to cart my possessions away for being 2 weeks late with tax on earnings I haven’t yet earned. The daft individuals even ask why I am NOT at home! Err … because I’m at work FFS! Earning the money that you are asking me to pay tax on before I actually receive it!

    Best one ever was HMRC ringing and asking for the P32 payments right now or else. We told them that if we paid them, we wouldn’t be able to pay our staff, they replied that they didn’t care, they wanted the money right now. So much for looking after the working man, eh? (we have been operating for 13 years and never have the demands been as urgent as in the past 2 years … are the Government short of cash or something?) 😉

    I sincerely liked the Health & Safety bit too. My kids have come home with grazed knees without a plaster as teachers are NOT allowed to put one on them because of that nonsense. They ARE, of course, allowed to give them what are called “special chewy sweets”. Why on Earth are Labour schools NOT allowed to administer plasters but it’s perfectly acceptable to give them pharmaceutical pain-killers without my say-so? What a crock of …

    (I abhor pharmaceutical pain-killers, I won’t take them myself and I am disgusted that schools are allowed to give them to kids without asking parents, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SIMULTANEOUSLY CAN’T PUT A BL***Y PLASTER ON!)

    OK, let’s get back on the H&S where it relates to my business. We spend about 40% of our time now satisfying H&S dogma, almost all of which is totally unnecessary as it is already covered in existing laws. It is severely hampering our ability to earn more work and take on more staff. It’s great for the H&S professionals who seem to enjoy putting more obstacles in the path of actually living life in order boost their own importance (and their tax-paid salary), but not good for those that actually live in the real world. Cameron is right on the money there.

    CRB checks: Again Cameron is spot on. My partner and the Mother of my kids (I can’t be a Tory as I’m not married lol) used to help on school trips etc. but is now not allowed unless she pays £36 (to a Labour NGO) to get a CRB clearance which will take 3 months to be processed. Eh? So not only can she not take a day off to help out on that trip to the ecology centre unless she plans a quarter of a year in advance, she is now automatically considered a paedophile unless she proves otherwise? So Ian Huntley has won then. The whole country has to now suffer because of one sick individual. Collective punishment just like in school (“who said that? Right, you’re all staying behind”). Worse still, Labour have now made it OK for unsubstantiated accusations to be held on file for CRB checks in perpetuity, so if I don’t like my neighbour and I’m a spiteful idiot, I can ring up anonymously and report them – even if it is proved to be absolutely false, it will stay on their CRB file forever. Way to go in abolishing any semblance of the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ ethos that I thought was a cornerstone of life in this country.

    Broken society? I should co-co. Thatcher talked about no such thing and all that, but she didn’t abandon the idea of self-determination along with it, and certainly never even hinted at a scenario where we are all considered criminals until we prove otherwise (and pay money for the privilege of being cleared when we have done sod all wrong).

    I haven’t even mentioned that after all that rubbish it would be nice if we could relax at the end of a stressful week with a pint and a roll-up in a pub where the owner would like to welcome us … uh-oh, the state is there before us … again!

  45. Chris' Wills

    2:44 Davina Rankin

    Shouldn’t that be Davena Rankin?

    Now I know who I’ll be voting for.

    Probably thinks logically and is intelligent, BSC (Hons) in Medicinal Chemistry.

    Tom in terms of real world experience and actually doing something that has benefited society she defeats you in every way.

    Oh yes, she’s also better looking than you :o)

  46. Johnny Norfolk

    Tom. If you want to know what most people thought about Camerons speech I would suggest you read the BBCs ‘Have Your Say’ click on recomended. See how many people have supported the comments. Far better than the leftie polls and BBC news progeamms. real people with real views.

  47. Shelldrake

    Very enjoyable canter through DC’s speech. Probably better than watching the real thing.
    At least you’ve got some skills to fall back on if (when?) it all goes wrong in your bit of Glasgow…

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