BARONESS Morgan, the children’s minister, has issued some timely Christmas advice on how to avoid accidents in the home this Christmas. Beware exploding gravy in the microwave seems to be top of the list.
Well intentioned, I’m sure, but when you’re looking for home safety advice, would a government-issue advent calendar be your first port of call? Or, as an alternative, would you perhaps use some common sense? Hmm, difficult choice…
So here are my own top tips for avoiding Christmas carnage this year:
- When cooking Christmas dinner, you will be working with boiling liquids and red-hot cooking rings or gas burners, so avoid wearing roller skates in the kitchen. This kind of footwear is more likely to make you trip and fall than good old-fashioned slippers.
- Laughter can put you at risk from an asthma attack, so try to avoid watching anything funny on the telly. Stick with repeats of ‘Ello, ‘Ello, or Last of the Summer Wine.
- When carving the turkey, remember to remove any blindfolds that you may have been wearing during party games – knives can slice through you as easily as a turkey!
- Party-poppers are lethal weapons in the wrong hands! Always make sure a local council official has surveyed the firing area in advance of any launch. And do make sure your “victims” are wearing British Standard safety glasses before you pull the string. Ear plugs should also be worn.
- You can avoid serious lacerations to your hands by using thick gardening gloves when opening presents – this will help prevent near-lethal paper cuts and the resulting copious loss of blood.
- Sexually-transmitted diseases are rife at this time of year, so avoid kissing Aunty Gladys on the lips when she gives you this year’s Viz annual and half a pound of Dairy Milk – a firm shake of the hand is just as festive and refreshingly British!
- If, after Christmas lunch, you start to feel drowsy in front of the television, you’re probably suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning. Don’t panic! Simply get everyone out of the house, alert all your neighbours to the danger and call the police, fire brigade and ambulance service.
- If grandad wants to light up his pipe, shove him out into the garden, whatever the weather. Remember, if he smokes even one pipe or cigar in the same house as you, you will die of cancer within a month. Probably.
- Enjoy a festive drink, but don’t go overboard – as a rule of thumb, when you start to feel a bit relaxed, you’ve already had too much and should go to the local A&E to get your stomach pumped, you filthy alcoholic!
- And remember – Christmas is a special time of year, when you and your family can enjoy some much-needed time together, as long as you can avoid murder, blood loss, deafness, industrial blindness, cancer, suffocation, and scalding. And gonorrhea.
And remember to have a wonderful, carefree Merry Christmas!