Warning by H.M. Government: Christmas can seriously damage your health

BARONESS Morgan, the children’s minister, has issued some timely Christmas advice on how to avoid accidents in the home this Christmas. Beware exploding gravy in the microwave seems to be top of the list.

Well intentioned, I’m sure, but when you’re looking for home safety advice, would a government-issue advent calendar be your first port of call? Or, as an alternative, would you perhaps use some common sense? Hmm, difficult choice…

So here are my own top tips for avoiding Christmas carnage this year:

  • When cooking Christmas dinner, you will be working with boiling liquids and red-hot cooking rings or gas burners, so avoid wearing roller skates in the kitchen. This kind of footwear is more likely to make you trip and fall than good old-fashioned slippers.
  • Laughter can put you at risk from an asthma attack, so try to avoid watching anything funny on the telly. Stick with repeats of ‘Ello, ‘Ello, or Last of the Summer Wine.
  • When carving the turkey, remember to remove any blindfolds that you may have been wearing during party games – knives can slice through you as easily as a turkey!
  • Party-poppers are lethal weapons in the wrong hands! Always make sure a local council official has surveyed the firing area in advance of any launch. And do make sure your “victims” are wearing British Standard safety glasses before you pull the string. Ear plugs should also be worn.
  • You can avoid serious lacerations to your hands by using thick gardening gloves when opening presents – this will help prevent near-lethal paper cuts and the resulting copious loss of blood.
  •  Sexually-transmitted diseases are rife at this time of year, so avoid kissing Aunty Gladys on the lips when she gives you this year’s Viz annual and half a pound of Dairy Milk – a firm shake of the hand is just as festive and refreshingly British!
  • If, after Christmas lunch, you start to feel drowsy in front of the television, you’re probably suffering from carbon monoxide poisoning. Don’t panic! Simply get everyone out of the house, alert all your neighbours to the danger and call the police, fire brigade and ambulance service.
  • If grandad wants to light up his pipe, shove him out into the garden, whatever the weather. Remember, if he smokes even one pipe or cigar in the same house as you, you will die of cancer within a month. Probably.
  • Enjoy a festive drink, but don’t go overboard – as a rule of thumb, when you start to feel a bit relaxed, you’ve already had too much and should go to the local A&E to get your stomach pumped, you filthy alcoholic!
  • And remember – Christmas is a special time of year, when you and your family can enjoy some much-needed time together, as long as you can avoid murder, blood loss, deafness, industrial blindness, cancer, suffocation, and scalding. And gonorrhea.

And remember to have a wonderful, carefree Merry Christmas!



Filed under Government, Whimsy

15 responses to “Warning by H.M. Government: Christmas can seriously damage your health

  1. richard

    Apparently the number one festive killer is from tripping and falling.

    That’s why I always glue my children’s presents to the ceiling.

  2. Tacitus

    And Balls tells us baubles too are dangerous, as they are made of glass and glass can break and glass can cut you.

    Who would have believed it?

    Woman at our local farmers market has stickers on her candles. Has to. They read

    “Flames can burn you”.

    Where would we be without the Nanny state?

    A f*** of a sight better off, that’s where.

  3. richard

    The number 2 cause of xmas accidents is “People cutting themselves with knives they are using to open presents too quickly ”

    That’s why I’ll insist that my son opens the packaging on his new iPod with a baseball bat.

  4. Rory

    Tom – you wouldn’t be out of place writing in the Daily Mail.

    ‘elf n’ safety gone mad!

  5. Talwin

    Thanks for these useful tips. But how long before Hazel Blears suggests we include them in legislation?
    Merry Christmas.

  6. Chris' Wills

    If you want to avoid accidents in the kitchen:o)
    1) Have Christmas Dinner catered or book a table at a decent restaurant.
    2) Do not enter the kitchen, even to get wine, send the butler.

  7. ani

    Tacitus. It’s all very well bemoaning ‘elfnsafety, but the fact is that if members of the legal profession hadn’t made it essential for every producer and organisation to cover their back against every tiny mishap by offering the ‘no win no fee’ solution we wouldn’t be in such a silly situation.
    While it’s legitimate to compensate for accidents at work that may cause people to lose out financially or equally serious claims; having to draw to the public attention that candles burn is ridiculous.

  8. Dave H.

    I think a few timely warnings of seasonal hazards from one of the wiser, more important, members of society may prevent needless accidents and can only be for the common good.

    My advice, learned the hard way, is:

    1) Don’t use petrol to light the Xmas pudding. In fact, avoid bringing petrol into the house at all, unless really necessary.

    2) If you’re planning fireworks for New Years Eve and it happens to be wet & windy, don’t bring them inside to set off.

    3) As a balloon-filling gas, hydrogen is cheaper and lighter than helium. However, avoid putting hydrogen-filled ballons near candles.

    To have the emergency services attend three times in one week is embarrassing, believe me.

  9. Tacitus


    Sure – but does that government have to join in so gleefully? I know they are beyond infatuation with legislation, but this sort of stuff “flames may burn you”, is, quite simply, an insult.

    And if Blears wanted do to the country a service, she’d keep her mouth zipped.

  10. Johnny Norfolk

    The most important advice is, do not under any circumstances think about this pathetic Labour government. If you do it is likly to cause a fit and you do not want to spoil Christmas as they have spoilt just about everything else.

    Only joking .I dont think.

  11. I know you don’t , Johnny, but it’s big of you to admit it.

  12. And remember not to lremove any low power light bulbs since they contain mercury & if one breaks you will have to be rehoused until a Council haz-mat team have declared it safe.

    And don’t use ordinary bulbs because they make the sea level rise.

    Candles are right out.

  13. Rapunzel

    Crackers, Tom, crackers!

  14. Rapunzel

    Sorry, I didn’t mean you, I meant the explosive variety: hilarious jokes to bring on that asthma attack, paper hats to cut yourself on, loud explosions to cause heart attacks in the timid, and toys that are all too easy to swallow.

    No warning to those of a political lean to the right on the possibilities of dangerously raised blood pressure from reading your blog?

    That’s quite an omission!

    Merry Christmas to all. DO try to stay safe!

  15. timbone

    Very funny Tom. Are you the ‘friendly face of nuLabour’?, careful, you know what happened to Dubcek.
    Merry Christmas to you and yours Tom, and I hope you keep your seat when nuLabour get wiped out at the next election.

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