New Year resolutions

Gordon Brown will resolve to be a bit less flippant and bit more serious.

David Cameron will resolve to speak to his Shadow Cabinet colleagues next time he uses public transport to get publicity to work.

Hillary Clinton will resolve to stop reminding people that the Secretary of State is fourth in line to the presidency.

Iain Dale will resolve to make ten new resolutions, numbered in order of importance.

William Hague will resolve to become an even better MP in 2009 by expanding his outside interests a bit.

Guido Fawkes will resolve to speak kindly of all in elected office and to treat them with due deference.

George Osborne will resolve to book his next holiday through Thomas Cook.

Liam Byrne will resolve to let his civil servants know, by memo, that he no longer takes sugar.

Harriet Harman will resolve to persuade Jack to remove his framed January 2009 edition of Total Politics.

Lord Mandelson will resolve to book his next holiday through Thomas Cook.

Barack Obama will resolve to check up where the Secretary of State is in the line of succession.

Bob Marshall-Andrews will resolve to open the big envelope that arrives each week from the Chief Whip and actually find out what that bit of pink paper is.

Alex Salmond will resolve, at last, to bin his Union Flag pants – if only they weren’t so damn comfy!

Jonathan Ross will resolve to dial “141” first when making telephone calls in 2009.

Dominic Grieve will resolve to wear a bow-tie in 2009, thereby making his transition to Walter Softy complete.

David Davis will resolve to work up the courage to tell Shami about his views on capital punishment. But only when the time is right.

Damian Green will resolve to pay more attention the next time he’s invited to donate to the Police Officers’ Benevolent Fund.

Have a great New Year!



Filed under Whimsy

35 responses to “New Year resolutions

  1. Jim Baxter

    Iain Dale will post his top-ten list of other- people’s-top-ten lists.

    As for William Hague, I think it was Denis Healey who said that politicians should have a hinterland. We shouldn’t grudge WH his just because it’s a lucrative hinterland. But then again, perhaps Lord Healey had something more substantive in mind than telling after-dinner jokes to pay the rent.

    Happy New Year, Tom.

  2. pr roger j clementine iii cbe

    Laugh? I almost read the whole thing!

  3. And I resolve to move on from leaving such deadly serious comments on important and really influential political blogs and become more tongue in cheek…

    Happy New Year.

  4. John

    Genius! Haha!

    Happy New Year Tom!

  5. Andy

    Tom, humour doesn’t mask what your idiot administration has done to this country, anyway, I don’t care – off to Oz in 32 days. And so delighted to you leave you socialist tossers to reap what you’ve sown, and even more delighted that my taxes won’t be funding your client-state any further. Jeez I’m happy right now

  6. Andy – I think I speak for the whole nation when I say we’re really going to miss you.

  7. Oh, and another thing… Say “hi” to the New Labour Prime Minister of Australia when you’re there.

  8. Jay

    I will resolve to stop kicking New Labour and I suggest that Tom takes off his rose-coloured glasses.


    Happy New Year, Tom and readers!

  9. due deference

    Oh, I’m sorry. Are you elected representatives our *betters* to whom we must all defer? Wow, I’ve fallen through time and woken up in 1898!

  10. Shaun – I sympathise. This should help.

  11. Rapunzel

    Tom Harris will ………

    Come on, fellow posters, what are our resolutions for Mr Harris? He can’t get away with having a gentle dig at the rest of the political world.

    Tom Harris will cease using irony in political postings and will start to take himself seriously!!

    Happy 2009 to all!


  12. jpt

    Jonathan Ross will hopefully resolve to sod off.

  13. Johnny Norfolk


    I think your remarks to Andy, just about say it all about Labours attitude.
    Good luck Andy, It was John Howard that made Austrailia what it is today. I hope for your sake their new Labour government do not do to Australia what ours has to us.

    If this government had have listened a bit more and cared more for the country than its party we may not have had the mess we have now.

  14. “I think I speak for the whole nation” (TH)

    What were you saying about green ink?

    I wish you increased wisdom during 2009, that the scales fall from your eyes and you see clearly the things that worry nearly all of your contributors.

    I would like to be nicer to you – honestly – I hope you have a good year – but when you do things like extract the urine about the EU referendum (above) after having lied about it, it gives a bad impression. I know it was meant as a joke and it’s your blog, but it’s our sovereignty and freedom you are chucking away.

  15. Stewart – did you even read that eejit’s original comment? By using that kind of language and adopting such a tone, Andy immediately and automatically denied himself the right to any respect from me.

    Let that be a warning to the rest of you. And to Australia…

  16. Dave H.

    You couldn’t be more wrong about Dominic Grieve -he will practice saying “Bond, James Bond.” to boost his chances of succeeding Daniel Craig.

    On which subject, ITV have decided on the best Bond film for the festive season (New Years Day 16:25).

    Leading us neatly on to…

    New Years Resolutions.
    Tom Harris will admit to an appalling error of judgement and beg humble forgiveness from WW & DH.

  17. I agree, Tom, Andy’s whole attitude stinks, especially the “I’m all right, Jack” stuff.

    I’m not a rat abandoning the sinking ship – I’m staying to fight as long as there is still something to salvage from the ruins of our civilisation.

  18. Tom Harris
    will resolve to campaign against the partial privatisation of Royal Mail…….ah well i can dream cant I?

  19. Dave H.

    Wrinkled Weasel and myself. You disagreed with us over the choice of the best Bond films a few days ago and sensibly promptly forgot about it.

    I am, by contrast, am sad enough to remember (and with the flu have sod all else to do). Hence when I saw that our choice was actually due for broadcast I attempted a witty put down.

    Unfortunately, in my haste for sweet gloating revenge I made a slight oversight: my comment only made sense to me. Oh well. Back to bed.

  20. Andrew F

    97% of resolutions fail – so mine are to repulse everyone who loves me, fail my exams and return to a natural hair colour.

  21. Mark McDonald

    Tom Harris will resolve to finally send me that bottle of whisky he promised me during the Glasgow East by-election.

    Another Labour promise broken 😉

  22. Andy

    Thanks Johnny and Stewart (I think). Australia may have a labour government but their policies on birder control and welfare are light years from yours Tom. So yes I’m very pleased I won’t be contributing any further cash to your deserving cases. Your attitude to those that pay large amounts of tax as a resultof their hard work is just breathtaking. And finally if I was an eejit, Australia would have probably refused by application. you’re losing my tax, they’re gaining it – dummy

  23. Andy

    Just seen Stewart’s latest comment. I empathaise generally but in what way could my comment characterised as “I’m alright”.

    I’m getting out of the UK because right now the vast majority of my tax pays for labour’s client state and I don’t like that. In Oz that’s not the case. Easy equation really

  24. Mark – Mea culpa. I promise it will be despatched next week.

  25. Andy
    January 1, 2009 at 7:49 pm
    Just seen Stewart’s latest comment. I empathaise generally but in what way could my comment characterised as “I’m alright”.

    December 31, 2008 at 5:49 pm
    Tom,’ anyway, I don’t care ‘

    Mmmmmm let me think.

  26. Ockham


    Please could you explain precisely what you mean by “Labor’s client state?”


  27. ani

    Ockham – he won’t answer.
    Fwiw I think it’s anyone at all who receives/d money from Government in any form.
    Think about it. Look at your own family.

    Anyone in/attached to politics?
    In/attached to the military?
    In/attached to education?
    In/attached to health services?
    In/attached to employment?
    In/attached to the judiciary?

    In fact anyone who’s in receipt of any form of allowances/grants through any Govt. agency/dept. – think farming, extra health support, local council assistance, the loyal opposition…make your own list ….
    Others may have a different definition, but I doubt you’ll see it here.

    And Andy – why are you telling us that you’re leaving the country – are we supposed to give a damn….?
    And do us a huge favour. Don’t become part of the expat community who for some weird reason have no interest in the politics of their new adopted home, but keep haunting our papers and blogs with their irrelevant opinions on the country they chose to abandon.

  28. Norman Bates

    Tom – will another of your resolutions be to carry on refusing to answer difficult questions that might put New Labour and/or The Great Helmsman in a bad light?

    If not, then perhaps you would like to comment on the following statement from a broadsheet newspaper

    The revelation by the think tank Civitas of the extent to which Gordon Brown’s immoral tax and benefits system penalises two-parent families is further evidence of the incalculable damage Labour has done to Britain since 1997. In one instance cited by Civitas, a lone mother earning £10,000 a year, with a partner earning £25,000, would be £5,473 worse off if they decided to live together. That is a massive disincentive to stable family life

    And then, the following article on the destruction on society your benefits system has wrought.

    My bet is you will not reply.

  29. Norman Bates

    Ani. Here’s a brief definition of the “client state”

    1. Population of Scotland = Number of public sector employees in the UK

    2. Population of Wales = Number of people in the UK living on benefits.

    Both are beholden to New Labour for survival. This is the client state.

    People were amazed that NL held Glenrothes. I wasn’t. Why?

    30% of electorate on benefits
    30% of electorate in public sector employment

    60% of electorate beholden to NL.

    That is what a client state is. It is quite simple really. You buy election by making those who work at economically productive labour pay for everyone and everything else.

    Exit stage left, shaking head …

  30. Norman Bates

    And perhaps a NY resolution to address the West Lothian question on these pages? Some current issues related to this are

    # Student fees may rise by up to £20k/year – but only for the English of course. Also Labour supporters will no doubt get grants to help fight social mobility. So an English middle class family will pay for – the Scots/Welsh and Irish to educate their kids. EU citizens for their education ( when we know the govt can’t manage to claim the loans back ).

    # The punish people in Tory areas council tax revaluation plan. Those people who don’t get their windows broken regularly or walk through broken glass on their pavement regularly will have to pay more council tax.

    # You get extra tax for old age only in England. Now this is being spun as compulsory “saving” and “insurance”. But the Scots get this for free, paid in part by the English. You can bet that the government won’t be able to avoid getting its sticky paws on the “insurance” money – anyone remember National Insurance ? And of course only the middle class will be taxed – creating the reverse of Frank Filed objection about targeted benefits (which discourage saving )- with unavoidable targeted taxation

    Tom? You can wreck my life, but my MP can’t wreck yours.

    That fair? After all, does not the Great Helmsman stand above all for “fairness”?

  31. People were amazed that NL held Glenrothes. I wasn’t. Why?

    30% of electorate on benefits
    30% of electorate in public sector employment

    ‘60% of electorate beholden to NL.’

    What a bunch of ungrateful bastards then,imagine Fife electing a SNP/Lib Dem council,and a majority of councilors in Glenrothes town are SNP,oh last time I looked there was a SNP government in Edinburgh.

    A superficial analysis Norman ,you really must do better.

    Exit stage left, shaking head …

  32. Norman Bates

    Oddly, Yahoosur, Ms. Polly Toynbee agreed with me 100%.

  33. Norman Bates – I just deleted your most recent comment. Please pay attention to my comments policy, and don’t accuse anyone of being a liar.

  34. ani

    I’ve neither time nor interest in messing about and being polite.
    We know exactly who Tories mean by client state, and Yahoorsur has demolished your fatuous assertion.

    I’ll tell you what always makes me laugh though, in the run up to any election – when I’m out campaigning in these so called ‘client state’ areas; I’m always following behind groups of well organised Tories groveling for votes. They get in there before me!
    And do you know what – the words client state or scroungers or feckless, never pass their lips!
    What would you call people like that?
    Arrogant hypocritical bas$ards isn’t quite strong enough really, is it?

    Want to have a word about other ‘client staters’ – teachers and nurses, next?

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