Questions actually asked in court. Allegedly

I’M GRATEFUL to John Nospam, one of my regular correspondents, for submitting the following for no reason other than it’s quite funny. It purports to be snippets from actual court transcripts, though I suspect we can file them under “Too good to be true”.

Still, funny’s funny…

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
A: Gucci sweatshirt and Reeboks.

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: By whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

Ba-boom, as they say.

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12 Comments

Filed under Whimsy

12 responses to “Questions actually asked in court. Allegedly

  1. richard

    Some of these sound like misquotes from “Disorder in the Court” available from Amazon

    http://www.amazon.com/Disorder-Court-Fractured-Moments-Courtroom/dp/0393319288

  2. It’s late at night Tom but us pensioners tend to need less sleep than you bright-eyed young things so forgive me for this segway.

    Alan Milburn has been resurrected by Brown to investigate social mobility so that people from lower income and disadvantaged backgrounds (my definition) can get better access to careers in the professions such as the law. Correct?

    On the basis of the “evidence” in your post, it’s about bloomin’ time!

  3. Simon

    I would have thought that after 11 years there would be some evidence that Labour policies have improved social mobility or even closed the gap between rich and poor.

    Unfortunately, they have failed on both counts.

    Labour has let down the very people it claims to help the most.

  4. Dave H.

    Below shows how to wind up telemarketers professionally.

    (It may be that the world and his wife saw this years ago. Apologies if so.)

  5. ani

    Wherever they came from Richard, they’re really funny.
    Any more?
    And Tom, as Simon and Diablo have gone off topic, I will too.

    Isn’t the new Draper website brilliant?
    I’m really excited about it.
    (Unsurprising that) Tory morons had to pile in, but I hope that Derek will be ruthless with moderation and not allow sickening Guido’ish type comments there, which would be an absolute turn off for those of us of a gentle disposition.

  6. richard

    I was especially amused that “due to popular demand” they’re going to moderate all comments on Labourlist 😛

    My guess is that just like other ra-ra propaganda sites pretending to be blogs it’ll quietly fade away when no-one visits.

  7. John

    Glad you enjoyed it Tom!

  8. ani

    Richard. “ra-ra propaganda sites pretending to be blogs”
    Such as…?

  9. richard

    Labourmatters springs to mind. Only positive stories about Labour need apply…

  10. Another that I’ve seen on that list included a defendant representing himself, saying to the victim:

    “Did you get a good look at my face when I took a swing at you?”

  11. ani

    “ra-ra propaganda sites pretending to be blogs”
    CoffeeHouse.

  12. richard

    Coffehouse is a ra-ra site for the Spectator. An advert for the magazine masquerading as a blogsite.

    On the flipside at least it’s marginally interesting which is more than can be said for Labourlist which is just another place for Labour Ministers to publish press-releases. Reading through the (published) comments you’d think that we lived in a one-party state and that the Conservatives were led by Emmanuel Goldstein.

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